Kiddy Krack-ups

Here are some funnies from my boys. I confess, some of these are from last year and I just never posted them, but they are too good not to share.

Elijah: "Mom! I keep asking Gabe a question and he just says nothing!"
Me: "Are you sure he heard you?"
Elijah: "Yes! I told you he just says nothing. Watch!"
(I follow Elijah out of the kitchen and into the living room where Gabe is playing with blocks.)
Elijah: "Gabe, do you want to play a game with me?"
Gabe: (without looking up) "Nothing!"
Elijah: "See! He just says 'nothing'!"

We try to have clean up time each evening before Marc gets home from work. One day, Gabriel refused to help.
Gabe: (with a sincere pained expression on his face) "Mom, I can't clean up because my feelings are hurt. I'm really hurting inside."
Despite my assurances that hurt feelings do not prevent one from picking up toys Gabe did not lift a finger. When Marc arrived home Gabriel apologized for his lack of help.
Gabe: "I'm sorry I didn't clean up, Dad. My brains were hurting."
His list of mental excuses needs some work, and where did he learn this melodramatic behavior?

Sometimes we feed the neighbors' dogs when they are out of town. One morning I ran next door to feed the dogs and let them out then ran back into my kitchen where the boys were eating breakfast.
Elijah: "Wow! Mom, how did you feed the dogs so fast?"
Me: "I don't know. Was I really fast?"
Elijah: "Yeah. I guess Heavenly Father just made you that way."
I guess I can add speed-feeding dogs to my list of God-given talents.

We recently purchased booster seats in a fit of optimism. Gabriel and Elijah were really excited about the new seats, but after we measured the boys' heights we realized they were still a little too short to safely use them. They asked why we couldn't put the seats in the van right now and I explained that they needed to grow three more inches.
Gabe: "Three inches! (moaning) That will take forty years! Or four days! That is a really long time."

In November, Marc participated in Movember. For those of you who don't know, Movember is an awareness and fund-raising campaign for men's health. Men all over the nation grow facial hair all month in order to get donations for causes like prostate cancer. Marc has never been big into facial hair, partly because he looks a little sinister and partly because it just doesn't grow that well for him. Anyway, at the same time he started his mustache growth he was also working really long hours. Gabriel put the two and two together and came up with the following statement after seeing his milk mustache in the mirror: "Uh-oh Mom. I didn't get enough sleep, so I have a mustache."

David John occasionally abandons his pleasant persona and goes on a little naughty spree. During one hectic day when Marc was on call and we were having company for dinner he managed to clog the toilet several times with non-toilet-friendly objects. Here is a catalog of everything he tried to flush down: 3 toddler toothbrushes, 2 t-shirts, 3 baby toys, 2 battery-operated trucks, an entire roll of toilet paper and a shoelace. This last item was flushed while we were eating dinner. My apologies to the Cleveland water department if this caused havoc with any of their machinery. Also, do you have a lost and found for items pulled out of the water-treatment plant? We are missing a few things and I think you might have them...

Benjamin is quite good at getting around now, but when he first learned to pull himself up to standing he took several spills. He would be clinging to the side of the coffee table and reaching for a toy that was too far away. He seemed to realize that he needed to move his body to get it, so he would start sliding his hands along the edge of the table toward the toy but he never moved his feet. As a result, we would witness Benjamin's head slowly leaning then disappearing entirely when he finally fell over sideways. I'm glad he learned how to move lower body and that he is no longer the rising and setting baby.

Elijah is really interested in the family pictures that I recently put up. (No comments please about how we have been in this house for 2.5 years and I am just now hanging pictures. I am aware.) He loves this one of Marc from our trip to Alaska.After studying it for a while he asked, "Mom is that you next to the big pole with Daddy?"
Flattery will get you nowhere son.

All three big boys received mini tape-measures in their stockings at Christmas. I love to watch them measure the furniture. "Mom, the coffee table is 50 degrees and 3 pounds." David John's apparently works much like Mary Poppin's measuring tape. When he measures you he usually assigns you an adjective. "Mom, you are pretty." Thank you son. Flattery will get you everywhere.

I love how literal 2-year-olds can be. I frequently have conversations like this with David John:
David John: "Mommy, I hurt myself!"
Me: "What did you hit?"
David John: "The floor."
or
David John: "Mommy, I feel sick."
Me: "Where do you feel sick?"
David John: "In the living room."

Gabriel was very angry at me one day because he misbehaved in the library and did not get a good behavior fruit snack when we got in the van. On the way home he was loudly expressing his feelings.
Gabe: "Mom, I don't love you! You belong in the garbage! Actually, you belong in the dump truck which will take you to the garbage!"
Elijah: "Gabe, that is not nice. If you die, you will go to the bad-guy place."
Gabe (fearing fire and brimstone I guess): "Mom, I changed my mind. I love you now. You don't belong in the garbage."
Elijah should work in the penal system reforming inmates.

Okay, last one:
David John loves to sing and he takes his songs seriously. He got very upset today when his brothers were singing the wrong lyrics. He started screaming at them, which has been a general problem of late. Marc and I sat down with him to talk about what he could do instead of screaming.
Me: "David John, what could you do next time you feel frustrated or annoyed with your brothers?"
David John: "Um, probably cry and scream?"
Me: "No, what could you do instead of cry and scream. You could use your..." (we were looking for "words")
David John: "Body?"
At this point we had to stop the conversation because Marc and I were shaking with silent laughter. We are always telling the boys not to use their bodies (i.e. hit and kick) to communicate. At least he was being honest. Using his body is probably what he would resort to if crying and screaming didn't work. We did come up with some other ideas. We'll have to see what happens next time someone flubs one of his favorite songs.