An Epistle to the House of Marc and Sarah

I think our house is undergoing its own apocalypse. The number of repairs it has needed since we moved in has reached biblical proportions. Here is a brief synopsis of our housing woes:

1 And verily I say wo wo wo unto the House of Marc and Sarah! For in that day that thou wilt give unto them shelter thy ceilings shall fail thee. For the plaster shalt say unto the lathe “I have no need of thee,” and in that day shalt the plaster fall and great shall be the fall of it. Yea, and in thy basement and thy bathroom shalt thou also find corruption and thy guests shall say, “Verily we did sleep and behold the ceiling did fall upon us.” In thy bathroom shalt thou hear the rushing of many waters and it shall be as it was in the days of Noah.
2 Behold the day cometh that shall burn like unto an oven, but before that day cometh the day that shall freeze like unto a freezer for even as the love of men shall wax cold so shall thy furnace and hot water heater wax cold. For the furnace shall cease to blow, yea and there shall be no heat found in all thy house.
3 And thy pipes shall weep and the weeping thereof will fill all thy basement, yea and even thy clean laundry will not be found dry in that day. And many buckets of water shall be filled and emptied before the weeping shall cease. And other pipes will not weep but will become as dust in thy hands or ash in thy mouth. But behold, of these pipes thou shalt not eat for they are of lead and are not good for the belly of man. And the dust of the pipes shall allow the waters of thy sink to leak through and great shall be the leaking thereof.
4 Yea, and even thy toilets shall leak, the one onto the other and the other into the laundry chute. And so it shall continue for forty days and forty nights or until thy plumber shalt finally arrive- but no man knows the time of his coming. Yea, and the night soon cometh in which no man can work and the plumber is not yet come. Verily I say unto thee that thou must hope with all thine heart that he comes on the morrow. For behold, thy company approacheth and thou hast but one working toilet.