Take This Job and Fill It!

Now that Mother's Day is over and I have had my good sentimental cry about how my babies are growing up so fast, I thought I should write about the tough parts of the job. It is therapeutic to think about the hard days and appreciate that while it is sad that these early years are so fleeting, having grown-up children will have its perks. For one, maybe my children will stop trying to fire me. This has been a problem of late. All of them, at one time or another, have expressed a wish that someone else would be their mommy when I have made a decision that they didn't like. However, in the last month or so I have been getting "fired" almost on a daily basis and for minor infractions, i.e. "I don't want oatmeal! If you don't make pancakes for breakfast, then you're fired!"
I don't get emotionally involved when my children say things like this. I know they don't truly mean it, although I confess that I was a little hurt when my 3-year-old suggested that I could be replaced by an apple. On rough days, though, my eyes glaze over and I imagine myself dramatically striding out of the house and calling over my shoulder, "You can't fire me! I quit!" then slamming the door in a most satisfying way. I'm sure the severance package wouldn't be that great, since usually they give you a percentage of your pay and any percentage of zero is, disappointingly, still zero. I could apply for unemployment benefits and get a raise! Heck, I could take a vacation!
Even in those small moments when I really want to throw my hands up and throw in the towel, I know I can't really quit. I jokingly told my mom on the phone one day, "That's it. I surrender. Raise the white flag. I quit." A minute later, my 2-year-old tried to get something off of the mantle that he wasn't allowed to have. Before I could react, one of my 5-year-olds tackled him to the ground. "Why did you do that?!?" I exclaimed, "You don't use your body like that!" He looked at me calmly and explained that since I had "quit" he had to take matters into his own hands. So I now know, if I ever really quit, my 5-year-old twins will instate martial law. It won't be pretty.
Even though I'll not be resigning my position, I thought it might be prudent to make up a questionnaire to screen applicants for my job should I ever truly be fired and they need to hire a new mom. So, here it is. All situations described are real. Even if you don't want my job, if you have good ideas about how to respond to some of these situations, I'd love to hear them.

Application for Mom Position in the Ricks Family
Please answer all questions honestly and completely.
1. Can you tolerate large quantities of spit-up aka baby vomit on your clothing? Specifically, can you tolerate spit-up in the front of your shirt, down your back, on various areas of your pants including areas which make it look like you didn't make it to the bathroom in time? Can you tolerate spit-up on your blouse, skirt, sweater and the jacket you weren't even wearing at the time, but the spit up cascaded down your skirt and onto the jacket which was laid on top of the car seat carrier? Furthermore, how do you feel about spit-up being projected over your shoulder and onto your clean and folded pile of laundry?
If you answered "no" to any of these questions, please don't bother filling out the rest of this application.
2. You are alone at a church function taking place in the chapel. All of your children seem to need some attention. The baby just pooped in his diaper. The 2-year-old is climbing over pews like an olympic hurdler. The 3-year-old is doing a headstand on the bench and kicking his feet wildly in the air in hopes that one or both of his cowboy boots will come flying off and possibly beam someone in the head. One of the 5-year-olds is trying to be good by looking at an I-Spy book, but is practically shouting at you to tell him what he needs to find next. His twin has been stealthily climbing underneath the pews and collecting the hymnals from several rows. He is now constructing a large and rather impressive edifice with them. It is taller than the back of the pew and occasionally a book slips and loud thumps ensue. How do you triage this situation? Which child do you attend to first?
3. Your children have requested Ramen Noodles for dinner. You are exhausted and your husband is working overnight so you gladly acquiesce. After everyone is seated with their dinner, you make a badly needed run to the restroom. Upon your return, you notice that the portion of Ramen Noodles that was still in the pot is now strewn in an artistic arc across the kitchen floor. Four of your children are now standing on the kitchen table. They have turned the ceiling fan on. They are throwing handfuls of noodles at the spinning fan with interesting results. Please describe which anger-management techniques you will be using. Also, outline a discipline plan. Remember, no two children can be placed in the same room for time out. That just leads to all of the furniture in the room being relocated in front of the bedroom door and all of the clothes being dumped out of dressers. You may have to climb in a window to gain access to the room.
4. Please attach a report from your doctor stating that your are able to react quickly and run fast. Specifically, can you, upon witnessing that your two-year-old has climbed the fence and has escaped the backyard, put down the baby you are breastfeeding, arrange your clothing so as not be charged with public indecency, locate a pair of shoes and sprint outside to intercept your toddler before he reaches the street?
5. Are you able to continue doing your job in the face of extreme criticism and unpopularity? Tell us about a time when you had to mete out some consequences that were not well received but you persevered. I.E. the time one of your twins spit water all over his brother's pants so you made them switch pants or the time that one twin severely scratched the other so you drew on the offender's face with red marker when the perpetrator insisted that the scratches "weren't hurting anymore" so it wasn't a big deal.
6. Essay
Please describe your experiences with crowd control and your understanding of mob psychology  Allow these experiences to inform your answer to the second part of the essay: What would you do if three boys, upon a predetermined signal, ran in three different directions in the library, began climbing shelves and throwing the shelved books on the floor? Please keep in mind you are carrying a baby in one arm at the time and are foolishly without a stroller.

I hope we get a lot of applications. I will probably get fired again tomorrow and I want to have my replacement all lined up. Like I said, it's a tough job. Sometimes I want to quit, but the remuneration,  paid in smiles, hugs and chubby hands holding yours, is hard to beat.