Kiddy Krack-ups

Here are some funnies from my boys. I confess, some of these are from last year and I just never posted them, but they are too good not to share.

Elijah: "Mom! I keep asking Gabe a question and he just says nothing!"
Me: "Are you sure he heard you?"
Elijah: "Yes! I told you he just says nothing. Watch!"
(I follow Elijah out of the kitchen and into the living room where Gabe is playing with blocks.)
Elijah: "Gabe, do you want to play a game with me?"
Gabe: (without looking up) "Nothing!"
Elijah: "See! He just says 'nothing'!"

We try to have clean up time each evening before Marc gets home from work. One day, Gabriel refused to help.
Gabe: (with a sincere pained expression on his face) "Mom, I can't clean up because my feelings are hurt. I'm really hurting inside."
Despite my assurances that hurt feelings do not prevent one from picking up toys Gabe did not lift a finger. When Marc arrived home Gabriel apologized for his lack of help.
Gabe: "I'm sorry I didn't clean up, Dad. My brains were hurting."
His list of mental excuses needs some work, and where did he learn this melodramatic behavior?

Sometimes we feed the neighbors' dogs when they are out of town. One morning I ran next door to feed the dogs and let them out then ran back into my kitchen where the boys were eating breakfast.
Elijah: "Wow! Mom, how did you feed the dogs so fast?"
Me: "I don't know. Was I really fast?"
Elijah: "Yeah. I guess Heavenly Father just made you that way."
I guess I can add speed-feeding dogs to my list of God-given talents.

We recently purchased booster seats in a fit of optimism. Gabriel and Elijah were really excited about the new seats, but after we measured the boys' heights we realized they were still a little too short to safely use them. They asked why we couldn't put the seats in the van right now and I explained that they needed to grow three more inches.
Gabe: "Three inches! (moaning) That will take forty years! Or four days! That is a really long time."

In November, Marc participated in Movember. For those of you who don't know, Movember is an awareness and fund-raising campaign for men's health. Men all over the nation grow facial hair all month in order to get donations for causes like prostate cancer. Marc has never been big into facial hair, partly because he looks a little sinister and partly because it just doesn't grow that well for him. Anyway, at the same time he started his mustache growth he was also working really long hours. Gabriel put the two and two together and came up with the following statement after seeing his milk mustache in the mirror: "Uh-oh Mom. I didn't get enough sleep, so I have a mustache."

David John occasionally abandons his pleasant persona and goes on a little naughty spree. During one hectic day when Marc was on call and we were having company for dinner he managed to clog the toilet several times with non-toilet-friendly objects. Here is a catalog of everything he tried to flush down: 3 toddler toothbrushes, 2 t-shirts, 3 baby toys, 2 battery-operated trucks, an entire roll of toilet paper and a shoelace. This last item was flushed while we were eating dinner. My apologies to the Cleveland water department if this caused havoc with any of their machinery. Also, do you have a lost and found for items pulled out of the water-treatment plant? We are missing a few things and I think you might have them...

Benjamin is quite good at getting around now, but when he first learned to pull himself up to standing he took several spills. He would be clinging to the side of the coffee table and reaching for a toy that was too far away. He seemed to realize that he needed to move his body to get it, so he would start sliding his hands along the edge of the table toward the toy but he never moved his feet. As a result, we would witness Benjamin's head slowly leaning then disappearing entirely when he finally fell over sideways. I'm glad he learned how to move lower body and that he is no longer the rising and setting baby.

Elijah is really interested in the family pictures that I recently put up. (No comments please about how we have been in this house for 2.5 years and I am just now hanging pictures. I am aware.) He loves this one of Marc from our trip to Alaska.After studying it for a while he asked, "Mom is that you next to the big pole with Daddy?"
Flattery will get you nowhere son.

All three big boys received mini tape-measures in their stockings at Christmas. I love to watch them measure the furniture. "Mom, the coffee table is 50 degrees and 3 pounds." David John's apparently works much like Mary Poppin's measuring tape. When he measures you he usually assigns you an adjective. "Mom, you are pretty." Thank you son. Flattery will get you everywhere.

I love how literal 2-year-olds can be. I frequently have conversations like this with David John:
David John: "Mommy, I hurt myself!"
Me: "What did you hit?"
David John: "The floor."
or
David John: "Mommy, I feel sick."
Me: "Where do you feel sick?"
David John: "In the living room."

Gabriel was very angry at me one day because he misbehaved in the library and did not get a good behavior fruit snack when we got in the van. On the way home he was loudly expressing his feelings.
Gabe: "Mom, I don't love you! You belong in the garbage! Actually, you belong in the dump truck which will take you to the garbage!"
Elijah: "Gabe, that is not nice. If you die, you will go to the bad-guy place."
Gabe (fearing fire and brimstone I guess): "Mom, I changed my mind. I love you now. You don't belong in the garbage."
Elijah should work in the penal system reforming inmates.

Okay, last one:
David John loves to sing and he takes his songs seriously. He got very upset today when his brothers were singing the wrong lyrics. He started screaming at them, which has been a general problem of late. Marc and I sat down with him to talk about what he could do instead of screaming.
Me: "David John, what could you do next time you feel frustrated or annoyed with your brothers?"
David John: "Um, probably cry and scream?"
Me: "No, what could you do instead of cry and scream. You could use your..." (we were looking for "words")
David John: "Body?"
At this point we had to stop the conversation because Marc and I were shaking with silent laughter. We are always telling the boys not to use their bodies (i.e. hit and kick) to communicate. At least he was being honest. Using his body is probably what he would resort to if crying and screaming didn't work. We did come up with some other ideas. We'll have to see what happens next time someone flubs one of his favorite songs.

Salt of the Earth

The missionaries came over on Friday. They are awesome and super patient with my four rascals. We watched this awesome video to help us get inspired about the new year. Go check it out. It's short, it's sweet, it's funny and it was totally appealing to my little boys. After the missionaries went home, I was asked to retell the story of Lot and his wife several times. Gabriel and Elijah would then tell it to each other in tones of growing excitement until they reached the climax in which they were practically shouting, "...but the mommy looked back and she turned into a pile of salt! Ha!"
This story led to several follow-up questions for me. "Mom, have you ever been disobedient?" "Mom, have you ever turned into a pile of salt?" "Mom, why did the mommy look back? Are you going to look back?" I hope not boy-os. If I ever do turn into a pile of salt I imagine it will be because I just couldn't stay away from pickles and popcorn. May we all be like Lot looking forward to a year of promise and less sodium in our diets.

Cabin Fever

It's January. This means it is a New Year, which is great. It also means that we are finally getting some serious snow and that the boys have a lot of school holidays. After two weeks off for the Christmas/New Years holiday I have a whole new appreciation for those 2 1/2 hours a day, four days a week when Gabriel and Elijah go to preschool. Without it, we all succumbed to the dreaded Cabin Fever. Don't worry though. My boys are nothing if not creative. Here are some of the ways they have found to entertain themselves while stuck at home:

1. Computer Games
Okay, so this is not creative, but it's new. This is the first time we've let them play games and they are hooked. Primarily, they play simple phonics games for *FREE* at starfall.com. If you don't know about this site, you should check it out. The games are very short so it's pretty guilt-free to let them play one or two letter games each when you know that only means 5-10 minutes of computer time AND it's educational. Poor Benjamin is left out of the fun, despite his best efforts to get in on the action. Now that he is nine months he is crawling and cruising and bothering his brothers like a pro.The other game they like to play (with Daddy's assistance) is a quirky game called Plants vs. Zombies. They are very serious about this game. Elijah is especially intense about it. Frequently I will hear exclamations like, "Watch out Dad! That zombie is going to get into the house! No, no no! (pause) Okay, phew! Sorry Dad, I just really thought that one was going to get through." All the boys have also taken to talking in zombie voices on occasion. If you see them walking around in a stiff way with glassy eyes and muttering, "Brains!" you'll know why. We've banned the zombie voice in certain situations such as saying prayers. I don't think zombies pray, do you?

2. Fun With Mattresses
One advantage of sharing a room with your brothers is that you have more mattresses to play with. These mattresses have been used as Noah's Ark, forts, tents, and slides. Here is a picture of one of the more dangerous uses they found- a teetering bridge......and here is a picture of them shortly after falling off said teetering bridge.In this picture they have just finished creating a giant mattress, blanket, pillow and stuffed animal "hamburger". They are quite proud of their handiwork. Sometimes, brothers are an added secret ingredient inside the hamburger. Today, they are just the sesame seeds on the sesame seed bun.

3. Playdates
These have been few and far between since most of our friends were traveling for the Holidays. I am ashamed to admit that at two of the playdates we did go to I had to leave early because of toddler misbehavior. Of course, the boys didn't make leaving easy. After several attempts at trying to get everyone's coats and boots on before one of the other boys kicked his off and ran away, I had to swallow my pride and carry each tantrum-throwing child out to the van individually without boots or coat and then dress them and buckle them in before returning for another naughty little person. Cabin Fever will do that I guess.
Sometimes, though, friends are just what we needed. Here is a happy picture from the day after Abbie and Will came back from their trip. They all piled into the rocking chair and asked for their picture to be taken. Elijah informed Abbie that it was okay for her to sit with him for the picture because they are engaged.

4. Robots
Several days in a row, the boys dumped out containers of toys in order to put the empty containers on their heads and play robots. Tired of picking up so many toys, I decided to just make designated robot boxes. The boys were thrilled about this idea. I also thought they might be less trouble if they could see instead stumbling around blindly so I cut eye-holes in the boxes for them and helped them decorate their robots. Of course, as soon as they but their new robot boxes on Gabe said, "I have a great idea! Let's crash into each other!" The other boys were amenable. I tried to control their behavior by explaining that robots are programmed and always do what they are told and that these were non-crashing robots. Apparently, the boys have read I, Robot because they explained they were of the evil robot variety and didn't have to listen. Oh well. It was worth a try.

5. Building Starship
Okay, so they didn't build a starship. They built towers with their blocks while singing a Starship song. Yesterday, I almost died laughing as I watched Gabriel, Elijah and David John busily stacking their colored blocks and belting out, "We built these towers on Rock and Roll!" Marc occasionally shows the boys music videos on YouTube so we think that's where this song came from but even if Marc did show it to them it was a long time ago. Their all-time favorite and frequently requested music video is still Boris the Spider by The Who. Boys are so funny.

6. Kicks with Kix
Today they experimented with Kix cereal. They discovered you can make it roll of the table if you blow hard enough, that it makes a very satisfying sound when stomped on and that it is very fun to throw handfuls up into the air and watch them rain down like little yellow hale stones. Most importantly, however, they devised a very amusing way to eat Kix which involved disconnecting some tubing from their toy vacuum and placing one end of the tubing in someone's mouth then loading Kix into the other end so that they rolled down into said mouth. They all took turns in between fits of giggles. Benjamin enjoyed the spectacle and was happy to eat the Kix cereal that was all over the floor. I guess the New Year will be bringing us a new box of Kix since that one was rapidly consumed today. Did I mention I love my kids? Even when they have Cabin Fever? Oh, good. Well, it's true. I do love my boys and I love being at home with them even if things get a little crazy. One thing is for sure, I never know what they will come up with next.

December Recap

Okay, so I did it again. Why am I only able to write one measly blog every December? It's as if my time is completely consumed by Christmas shopping, crafting, and planning Marc's birthday or something. Weird. Anyway, here are some of things I planned to write about this month but just never got around to it:

Dear Santa
We took the boys early in the month to a fun breakfast with Santa hosted by one of the community churches. The boys enjoyed the free food, cookie decorating, ornament making, chance to see Elmo and, of course, the chance to tell Santa what they wanted for Christmas.
This is the first year any of them has expressed a desire for a specific Christmas gift. In the line to see Santa were tables with little printed wish lists that you could fill out for Santa to give to his elves. The boys dictated, and I wrote down what they wanted. David John asked for an Abby Cadabby doll, Elijah asked for cookies and slippers and Gabriel asked for slippers, cookies, milk, juice and water. I wondered what Santa might think about these sparse requests. Frankly, I'm surprised he didn't refer our family to social services. Any child who has to ask for water for Christmas must be deprived. I was tempted to write a disclaimer stating that I really did provide adequate nutrition and thirst-quenching drinks on a daily basis. Despite being a little embarrassed, I did feel grateful that my boys were not greedy and didn't want anything terribly expensive. My gratitude deepened when I heard the little girl in front of us telling her sister what to write on her list. "I want a smart phone, a Coach purse and some serious bling." Maybe having four boys is not such a bad thing...

Party Like it's 1985
Marc went to our friend Kevin's birthday party with an 80's theme. I put together this gnarly outfit for him last minute. We also provided a very 80's gift of some He-Man coasters that I made. We couldn't find a babysitter (all of our friends were out of town or at the party) so I stayed home but Kevin got a kick out of his gift and Marc's get-up got 2 votes for best 80's ensemble so all-in-all a good night. :) (For the record, Marc offered to stay home and let me go to the party. He's a totally radical husband.)

Sock it to Me
Benjamin is crawling, cruising and scooting everywhere. One of his favorite things to do is locate a sock of any variety (dirty, clean, tube, ankle- he's not picky) and then chew on it until it is a disgusting sodden mess. While he is chewing, he searches for other socks until he has gathered a little collection of the toddler socks that are perpetually strewn about the house. Since he doesn't want to put any of his socks down, he gets around by keeping his torso and arms still while propelling himself forward across our wood floors using only his toes. The result is quite hilarious and just cannot be communicated with a picture. We invite you to come over any evening and witness the sock-eating ritual. Then you, too, can enjoy watching Benjamin who looks like a baby-shaped vacuum being moved about by some unseen force and picking up socks in its wake.
We have learned recently that not only are socks good for chewing on, but they are also quite handy for effectively stopping large pieces of machinery. One of Benjamin's Halloween socks, aware that October was over and knowing that it was destined for a long wait in a storage container, chose to wriggle its way under the washing machine instead of going into the washing machine. As a cry for attention, perhaps, this sock managed to scoot all the way to the back of the washing machine where it was sucked post-haste into the engine causing a loud "pop" sound and the immediate cessation of the washing of laundry. We were not aware of the emotional distress of the sock or its misguided plot. All we knew was that we could not do laundry and that David John had chosen the very same day to have a record number of potty-training related accidents. We attempted to discover the cause of the sudden breakdown over a couple of days while a wonderfully odiferous collection of pants and underwear accrued in our basement sink. Finally, we called a repair man who charged us $150 to fish the baby sock out of the gear box. I think sock therapy would have been cheaper.

A Christmas Miracle
As most of you know, Marc was born on Christmas Eve (I won't say how many years ago) in Jerusalem. However, his birth by his patient mother who had to be carried up the stairs (whose idea was it to put the maternity ward on the second floor?) and try to communicate with an Arab woman who could only say "Bush!" instead of "push" is not the miracle I am talking about. No, this was the miracle of the ice cream cake. Each year, I get Marc an ice cream cake for his birthday. This year, we had a party on December 22nd so I went out to get the cake the night of the 21st. I took Benjamin with me. When we arrived home, I was bringing in both the baby and the cake when the cake slipped out of my hands and tumbled through the air. The big plastic dome top came off as did the plastic bottom, but somehow the cake stayed with the cardboard liner. The miracle was that the cake landed right side up with only one barely noticeable nick in the frosting.
The birthday party was very fun with homemade pizza, popcorn, candy, fruit and root beer (Marc's favorite things). We also played chimes and had a Marc trivia game. His friends learned that Marc can do an awesome velociraptor imitation. They also learned he will not do it at parties.

Christmas
Here are the four boys and me in our new Christmas pajamas at my parent's house. We had a great time while Marc, as usual, worked. I am happy to report that Santa did bring David John an Abby Cadabby doll as well as Elmo slippers. Gabriel and Elijah received Lightening McQueen slippers and special cookies from the North Pole. Santa decided to let us provide the milk, juice, and water. It was Benjamin's first Christmas and he enjoyed the paper and boxes as well as the new binkies and binky clips that Santa brought.We opened presents at home with Daddy today. Our boys are very fun to give to because they express extreme satisfaction with everything from new socks and pants to awesome new toys. I am always filled with gratitude for my little family and sweet husband at Christmas time. This year, when I arrived home after the drive from Fairborn, Marc had this beautiful vase of lilies waiting for me. Each time I walk into the kitchen I breathe in the sweet smell. They make me think of the new year, a new start, a new chance to love and live and grow.

Name of the Game

I am sick. Marc brought home something lovely from the hospital involving a very sore throat, cough and that foggy brain feeling. My children are supposed to be napping so I that I too can rest and try to get rid of this bug. Unfortunately, they are not napping. I can hear thumps, groans and the occasional, "ouch!" This indicates they are playing something which involves jumping on and off of beds and that they are periodically slamming into each other. Whether the slamming is on purpose or not, I am unsure. They play a lot of these kinds of games. The hilarious thing is what they choose to call their caveman antics. Marc and I have both witnessed the game they call "Groundhogs". Groundhogs does not involve hiding or popping up out of boxes. No, it involves two people standing on the back of the couch on opposite ends then running to the middle and grappling until one or both them falls off.
The game "Fish" means that each player stands on an opposite arm of the couch and then jumps towards the other person with the intention of hitting that person feet first and slamming them backwards. To me, these games might more appropriately be named "American Gladiator Style Grudge Match" or "Broken Limbs Couch Derby". I think, maybe, they assume that if it has an innocent sounding name I will be okay with what they are doing. Earlier today, when I heard suspicious noises emanating from their bedroom, I asked Gabriel in my very froggy voice, "What are you guys doing?" He replied, "We're playing 'Rainbow Wish'. We crash into each other!" Indeed, each little boy had a blanket which was held out in front of him like a protective shield. They would all give a primal shout and then run towards the center of the room, crash into each other and fall down.
I am still uncertain how I feel about "Rainbow Wish". Compared to Groundhogs and Fish, it seems like a safer outlet of toddler boy aggression. Despite my boys' strategy to give their activities cutesy sounding monikers, I am going to have to agree with Shakespeare. "What's in a name?" A boy's game by any other name is still just plain crazy. If you'll excuse me, I have to go chew out my children for not taking a nap and deliver the bad news about an early bed time. When I ask them what they've been doing in there, I'm sure I'll get some amusing answer. "Oh Mom, we were just playing 'Sleeping Kittens'!"

Four Score and Seven Years Ago

Wait, make that four years ago, seven weeks early Gabriel and Elijah were born. We had a great time celebrating their birthday with Oma and Opa. We tried to treat them to dinner out at the Cheesecake Factory. It was almost as disastrous as our ill-aimed pin the tail on the donkey game. At least everyone looked cute in their hats. I took treats to the boys' school on Monday. They loved having David John and Benjamin in their classes. Elijah's teacher made him a birthday crown and asked what he wanted her to draw on it. He replied "A temple." She was a little taken aback. She said "How about a castle?" Of course, when we got home the other boys had to have crowns too, even though it wasn't David John's birthday. We are so grateful for our two biggest boys. They are amazing and full of boundless energy. I just hope we can find positive ways to channel that energy this year. Suggestions welcome. Please enjoy the pictures.

Elusive Essay Espied

Members of the blog community have confirmed reports of a sighting of the rare ohioricks blog. Those tracking the blog's mating habits, migratory patterns and habitat were relieved at the news.
"It had been almost a whole month without so much as a word or hint of its whereabouts," explained blog expert Lucius Loquacious, "We were beginning to wonder if the ohioricks blog had survived the Thanksgiving season. Its appearance today is definitely heartening."

While the sighting today is certainly news to celebrate, experts are still concerned about the rapid disappearance of the blog's natural habitat, a region known as "Sarah's Free Time." If the flashy line graphs are to be believed, the size of Sarah's Free Time has an inverse relationship to the number of alien species introduced into the environment. Non-native life forms have been encroaching for years. Specialist Peter Punditry made the following observation in his recent book The Cleveland Chronicles: an examination of it's habits from awful alliteration to down-write dreadful puns, "The erosion of Sarah's Free Time, habitat of The Cleveland Chronicles or ohioricks blog, began in 2002 with the accidental introduction of the organism known as Marc. Marc was carried into Sarah's Free Time by an unsuspecting college student. The ecosystem seemed able to incorporate this new species, but with some environmental losses. The real devastation started in 2007 with the twin invaders Gabriel and Elijah. David John was discovered in the habitat in 2009 and a fifth alien took root just this year. It is unclear whether stability will be maintained with the addition of the species Benjamin, yet another hour-avore. "

While the outlook for the Cleveland Chronicles may be grim, blog lovers and tree huggers alike can do something to save this endangered specious writing. Vera Verbosity suggested some ways you can help:
1. Offer to help relocate alien species to other, less fragile environments. These species would probably thrive in locations such as Time With Babysitters, Time at Other People's Houses, Nap Time, and Bed Time Without Complaining, Crying, Getting-up or Refusing to Sleep
2. Contribute to a charity or research institution developing programs and technology to help perpetuate the ohioricks blog. The following organizations would make good use of your time or money: Invent a Pill so Sarah Doesn't Need any Sleep Group, People for Ending Toddler Anarchy and the Mommy Liberation Front
3. Write your local congressman and demand that well being of the Cleveland Chronicles and the maintenance of the integrity of Sarah's Free Time be made a top priority. Currently, 0 government dollars are being given to this cause and only 3 subcommittees are working on the issue. Your voice could change that.

In the time it took you to read this article, 30 more minutes of Sarah's Free Time has disappeared. Let us hope that with the combined efforts of concerned citizens and blog specialists, this most recent sighting of The Cleveland Chronicles won't be the last.